In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
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Hell yeah 👍
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
I’m not stressed
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.