Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
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Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.