ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
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Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Husband of the year 😂
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Goodnight 🐶
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Planet of the Apps.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?