Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
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If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
There is no “we” in pizza
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.