Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Me in tagged photos
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
SPLOOT
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.