date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
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WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//