Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
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sry
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
inventing words: clothing
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
describing stardew valley
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.