SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
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My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Think I pulled my liver
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.