My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
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Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
When can I start eating bats again.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class