sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
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[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.