Me: how are you
Friday: good
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I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly