Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
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Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist