HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
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Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
giddy up Office Depot
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING