Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
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I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm