If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
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The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
opening twitter today
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Well, shit
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.