HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
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Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”