Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
You Might Also Like
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
There is no try. There is only give up.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?