You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
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The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.