One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
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I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*