Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
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I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo