First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
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if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Grandmother clock.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.