I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
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i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone