*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
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” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Everyone’s family
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.