“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
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the battle rages on
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one