Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
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My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..