Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
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I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Does this dress make me look cat?
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.