a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
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Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god