If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
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Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Are we there yet?…