I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
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Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.