They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
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My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
what could possibly go wrong?
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
calling in to work dehydrated
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Meat Cute
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.