We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
You Might Also Like
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs