The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
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I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.