YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
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Ghost costume 😂
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
That’s easy for you to say
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
*pronounces surface like Versace*
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.