Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
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Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home