Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
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[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Alexa: *deep breath*
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?