Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
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Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
*lint rolls you awake*
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.