Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
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We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.