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Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again