Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
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My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
good for her
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.