Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
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[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.