When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
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Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news