a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
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Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
inventing words: clothing
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.