it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
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The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”