Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
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“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Inside you there are two wolves
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.