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Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.