How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
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This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
A great tip. #CakeRex
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
I just love that new Pope smell.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance