My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
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children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
They grow up so quick
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
multitasking lunch
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters