Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
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A GPS. But for where your story is going.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social