professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
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her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE