If you know, you know
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”